Boundary setting is one of the more dreaded and appreciated forms of self care. A boundary is a limit between you and another. It’s a place where your needs are established in a relationship and then reinforced by you. One of the most important and often difficult aspects about setting boundaries is the fact that the other person doesn’t have to like or accept your boundary. In a perfect world the recipient of said boundary would respect and accept the boundary set by another person, as they should. However, boundaries are often set with those who may not want to understand or respect that boundary. This is something we can all learn to be ok with because that boundary is for our benefit. Remember, it’s not mean to set a boundary. Despite how the recipient’s response may feel.
The chart at the start of this blog breaks down common traits of personal boundaries: rigid, porous and healthy. People can fall into any of the 3 categories, and likely are a blend of some in different situations and settings. For example, someone can have healthy boundaries at work but porous boundaries with family. Consider where you match up in different areas and with different people in your life. You are likely more impacted in areas where there are rigid or porous boundaries.
There are different types of boundaries you can set. People can have boundaries around time, such as limiting how much time they are willing to spend with certain people. You can have boundaries with touch, parameters who can touch you when and how. There can be money boundaries, expectations on spending and giving. There are also professional boundaries, for example, as a therapist there are boundaries I have around interacting with client outside of therapy. As you can see, there are many different types, consider your own.
The responsibility of the boundary falls on the person setting it. Some people stop reinforcing their boundaries when they aren’t readily accepted or liked by the other person. If you have a difficulty person who is challenging your boundary, try the “broken record technique”. This is where you repeat your boundary statement when challenged like a broken record. No, this doesn’t mean yell or be rude, but repeat it until they tire of receiving the same answer. If someone really isn’t getting it and especially if you feel unsafe, you can remove yourself from the situation. Remember that in most cases you have the authority to determine how and when you interact with people. If someone isn’t accepting this methods then you have the right to be more forceful with your boundary, even if it means being rude.
Let’s use a really simple example:
Person 1: Here is this drink for you.
Person 2: No thanks.
Person 1: No. Here, take it.
Person 2: I don’t want it.
Person 1: You must try it , it’s so good.
Person 2: I don’t want it and I’m not going to change my mind.
Person 1: Why are you being so difficult? It’s just a drink.
Person 2: I’ve said no several times. If you can’t respect that then I will… (leave, stop responding etc).
The goal is to be around people who respect our boundaries, however a person accepting them is not required for us to set them.
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